she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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