I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
nutella sex= disaster
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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