On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize