Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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