I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
