you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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