i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
