apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
