last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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