i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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