just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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