Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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