Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
