I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
