just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
