I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
