I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
