upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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