Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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