I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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