I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
