if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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