I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
