sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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