You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just found puke in my bra..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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