you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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