I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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