ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
