woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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