i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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