Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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