I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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