i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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