I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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