And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
