ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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