Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
