i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
