im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
