Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
