living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
