I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
