Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
