Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
