Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
