She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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