Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
