She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
