Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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