I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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