I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
