I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
