So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
