did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
