Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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