apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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