Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
