worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
