I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
