get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
