Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
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Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize